The first time I've ever seen death itself was when I found a baby cat full of maggots, a hole full of pulsating maggots, squirming as they formed a bottomless pit in its back, somewhat dying, mother made me place it in the trash can.

It was meowing lightly, I was just a small child following what mother told.

My house was full of mold, breaking down on top of us all, small house full of spiderwebs and dust, nothing but screams and crying of children. It wasn't ever fixed, and has been rotting since I was a child and only recently got fixed.

Mama always said we were too poor, blaming dad for being a "lazy no good worthless pig" even though he was the only one with a job, and she did unthinkable deeds to his poor heart, though none of them ever gave me attention, I raised myself.

It all feels like a dream, a blur, all the beatings, all the cruel words, the kids around the neighborhood stomping me in to the floor and degrading me, it brings a smile oddly enough. Lol.

They all left, moved away, but one. He probably was the one who may have been my only friend there, despite him possibly sexually abusing me, I don't know what to call it. He may have never been a friend to begin with, I'm not sure.

But they're gone, the ones who always made me leave because I wasn't "invited" to birthday parties with my fellow younglin friends, the same ones who shot me with bb guns and always made the neighborhood games unfair.

My ma has turned around though, she's a good lady, but what she did is still all in my head, it really gets to me sometimes, but she loves me, I can see it.

But I could go for some cigars, make my mind lost in the clouds as the nicotine causes a buzz in my head, that sounds pleasant at this moment. Even if its harmful. Wouldn't be the first unhealthy substances I've abused lol

Ma only hurt us out of anger, I have no right to really complain, she always gave my sister worse and my dad possibly just as bad, I was her "favorite".

She locked us in closets, she'd beat us with her fists and it felt like hours when she hit us with her tools of "punishment" for the smallest things.